What are the voices saying to you?

A: What are the voices saying to you?   (Pause)  Do you hear me?
B: Yes.
A: (louder) What are the voices saying to you?  
B: I don't hear voices.
A: But you hear my voice?
B: Yes.
A: Interesting.
B: Yes.
A: Yes what?
B: Yes…Doctor.
A: Very good. Answer the following questions truthfully and accurately:  Question #1: Does your boyfriend beat you?
B: Excuse me?
A: Does your boyfriend beat you?
B: I don't have a boyfriend.
A: Does your boyfriend beat you?
B: I don’t remember.
A: You don’t remember?
B: Yes. I mean, No.
A: Amnesia. (louder) Agree or disagree to the following statements: All ducks are yellow.
B: Agree.
A: Yellow is the color of anxiety.
B: Agree.
A: Seeing ducks makes me anxious.
B: Agree.
A: I feel anxious when I think about my father.
B: Agree
A: My father liked to eat okra.
B: Agree.
A: Okra is slimy and snot-like and slithers down my throat, like a lizard.
B: Agree.
A: Lizards are chameleons.
B: Disagree.
A: If bananas are yellow and yellow is the color of anxiety, why don't bananas make you anxious when you eat them?
B: Agree.
A: A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle. A Candidate is someone who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other. After all is said and done, more is said than done.
B: Agree. Agree. Disagree.
A: Agree. That will be all for today.
B: Thank-you.
A: Thank-you, what?
B: Thank-you, Doctor.
A: Thank-you. (A ringing is heard. A. answers the phone, which is really his hand) Hello?
C: (Into another phone/hand) Hello. This is your phone company. I’m calling about your account.
A: Yes?
C: Your bill was $77. 84
A: Yes.
C: It was due on the 17th
A: Oh.
C: Your bill is $77.84.
A: I see.
C: It was due on the 17th.
A: I believe we sent it.
C: $77.84?
A: In the mail.
C: It was due on the 17th.
A: Perhaps it was lost.
C: Today is the 19th.
A: That’s only two days.
C: Your bill…
A: And you’re calling us…
C: Was due…
A: …already?
C: Yes.
A: I’ll have to check my records.
C: Yes.
A: Yes, what?
C: Yes, doctor.
A: Thank-you.
C: Thank-you.
A: Good-bye.
C: Good-bye.
(Hangs up phone. Sound of ringing. C. answers his phone)
C: Hello?
D: Hello. I was monitoring your call.
C: Yes?
D: I’ve been monitoring your progress.
C: Yes?
D: Your work.
C: Yes.
D: For the phone company.
C: Yes?
A: Yes. Answer the following questions truthfully and accurately: Vanilla or Chocolate?
C: Yes.
A: Black or White?
C: Yes.
A: Baltic or Canadian?
C: Yes.
A: Seeded or Plain?
C: Yes.
A: Ridged or Flat?
C: No.
D: I’m afraid we have no choice but to let you go.
C: Let me go?
A: Let me go, what?
B: Doctor.
A: Doctor.
B: Good-bye
A: Good-bye
D: Good-bye
(They hang up their phones. Turn and face each other.)
D: Thank God you’re here. You’re the only one I can turn to. You’re the only friend I have left. You’re all I have in this miserable, lonely world.
E: Someone is paying me to pretend that I’m your friend so you won’t feel alone.
D: That is so nice of you.
E: I’m not supposed to tell you this, but someone has actually paid the audience to be here so that you can feel good about yourself, so that you can feel loved, as if you are the center of the universe.
D: That is so generous of someone.
E: In fact, this is actually a center for brain damaged people, but you don’t think or know that it is and the people who run this center have decided to let you live in your delusion, but I’m not supposed to be telling you any of this.
D: That is so nice of them. It’s so thoughtful.
E: In fact, life itself is just a dream. And when you die, you’re just waking up.
D: I had no idea. Thank you.
E: Thank you, what?
D: Thank-you, Doctor.
B: What media personality would you most like to sleep with?
A: Glenn Beck.
B: Ew, gross, you can’t be serious.
A: I mean, I hate him, but he gets me all (makes gesture of firing guns into the air) triggered up.
B: Do you think you can dole out the requisite amount of pain?
A: I think so.
B: Are you sure this won’t be a case of dueling bottoms, both of you lying on your stomachs with your assholes up in the air?
A: I could imagine giving him a blow-job while he is still in his suit. I know he’s a douche but he is so fuck-able. I think he’s hotter now, more so even than when he was young and a drug addict and a border-line schizophenic. I just want to suck Glenn Beck dry.
B: This is so disturbing. How can you divorce who he is and what he looks like?
A: I don’t. I think the whole thing is sexy which is not to say that I like it.
B: Ride like the wind.
B: Hello.
A: Hello.
B: What are the voices saying to you?
A: What are the voices saying to you?
B: What are the voices saying to you?
A: What are the voices saying to you?
B: True
A: True.
B: Yes.
A: Yes.
B: Agree.
A: Agree.
B: Hello.
A: Hello
B: Good-bye
A: Good-bye.
B: Good-bye what?
A: Good-bye, Doctor.

B: Good-bye.


(Note:  I found this among some old writings/scraps/ideas, etc.  I don't remember what I wrote it for or why.  But I like it.  It would be fun to perform it as a one-person piece, playing all the roles.  It's interesting to me especially right now, with all the focus on Freud and mental illness and anxiety and dreams and the unconscious, etc...)