Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Gruesome, Sexy On-Stage Injuries

I've noticed that whenever an actor is injured during a performance of Spiderman: Turn off the Dark, ticket sales go thru the roof!

This was inevitable, of course.

Injuries are THRILLING!

And injured performers are SEXY! 

Just look at the vintage picture above of Steve Norman, lead singer of 80s super-group Spandau Ballet, nursing a busted knee after a tragic tumble onstage involving leg warmers, Jennifer Beal, and a random puddle of DEP.

I rest my case.

I know this much is true: he even makes his mullet look good.

This new development has been a LONG time coming.

At last theatre can offer something that reality TV cannot: uncut, non-edited, real-time dismemberment.

Finally, producers can cash in on a totally new theatrical form:


Buy a ticket:

Someone might actually DIE!

What could be more exciting than that?

And God knows: actors will do just about ANYTHING for a job.

So the threat of death or serious injury isn't really a deterrent for us.

You do NOT want to know what I would do for a job, for a role.

I need my health weeks, especially if I have a broken spinal cord.

We've all seen All About Eve.

That was a documentary, as far as I'm concerned.

I would kill someone just for a free breakfast buffet at Denny's.

In that spirit of reckless abandon that is SO zeitgeisty right now, we are already preparing death-defying stunts for our upcoming production of Hysteria.

At every performance of Hysteria, I guarantee you: someone will be seriously hurt.

At the very least, Stacy Fischer will hit me in the kneecap with a ball peen hammer at some point during the curtain call.

Richard Snee and I have also prepared an elaborate series of "Jack Ass"-esque stunts:

Skateboarding down the Central Square Theatre lobby stairs. 

Bungee jumping from the light booth (that's at least 15 feet, people!)

Robert Bonotto will self-inflict a paper cut to any part of his body.  You choose which one!

Johnny Knoxville, eat your heart out.

You bought a TICKET, dammit:

Seeing actors in excruciating pain is your RIGHT!

There will also be a special segment during intermission where I will eat anything for a dollar!

And I do mean anything...

So make sure to bring some interesting stuff!!

See you at the show!!!!!!

(Note: Statements and promises made in this post are NOT true and in NO way reflect the views of HamBone Management.)


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. John, John, I'll buy you that breakfast at Denny's.

    Just ---please stay stage right when I'm you-know-where....?


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