The Right Actor

The Wheel of Fortune by Heather Watts

Philip!
Philip, Darling!
Come in!  Come in!
I had no idea you were in the audience tonight!
And on my final performance.
How sweet.
Oh, I shall miss this play.
But, alas: what we do is so EPHEMERAL, isn't it?
Hang up a costume, hang up a memory.
As they say.
But how are YOU, my dove, my angel?
Did you enjoy the play, Darling?
Be honest.
Be cruel.
Be vicious.
Thank-you.
Thank-you.
Thank-you.
I WAS magnificent, wasn’t I?
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Oh, and Antonio!
Wasn't Antonio amazing?
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Sharing the stage with Antonio, such an honor, what can I say?
I felt as though I were raped by Zeus.
Nightly.
Twice on weekends.
Oh and Millicent, of course.
Did you enjoy her performance, Darling?
I’m so glad someone did.
Yes.
Millicent was really ON that stage, wasn’t she?
A little OLD to play 20 but then again, that's what theatre is all about, isn't it?
The suspension of disbelief?
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
What's next for me?
Well, Darling, I'm not at liberty to say!
SO many projects and it's SO difficult to choose just one.
I shall consult the Tarot.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Oh, the World of Theatre is such a spinning, dazzling Wheel of Fortune!
Why, anything could happen!
How did I fall in love with this BEAST they call the theatre?
For that is why we do it, isn't it, Philip?
Love.
Oh, Love, love, love.
I think I would just DIE without love, don't you?
But I needn't inform you about that, Philip: "the hottest young playwright in town"?
Oh, don't be modest, Philip, it's so tiresome!
You've had SUCH success with those little skits of yours.
Really.
People seem to enjoy them.
Not really MY taste, of course.
I find it all a bit trite.
But that's just me.
Tell me, are you working on anything new? 
Really?
On Broadway?
Your new play on Broadway?
Oh Philip!
I couldn't be more filled with light and joy!
I'm so happy for you, for everyone involved.
(Pause)
Who is involved, Philip?
Anyone I know?
(Pause)
Antonio!
Antonio in the lead?
Oh, then it's sure to be a hit.
Antonio: so passionate, so strong...
There is not a better actor on the American stage.
My goodness, Philip, you DO have a problem, don't you?
Well, finding a suitable actress to play opposite Antonio.
Not an easy task.
I'd say there's only a handful who could stand on stage next to Antonio and not wilt like some desiccated orchid.
Have you decided who you'll cast?
(Pause)
Millicent?
(Silence)
Millicent.
(Pause)
Really?
Millicent.
You've cast Millicent.
Oh dear.
Oh, nothing, dear Philip, I'm sure it will all be fine.
No matter what happens, your writing will shine through.
What?
Well, it’s just…Millicent.
But surely Antonio told you?
Ah.
Well.
It's really none of my business but Millicent is a hopeless alcoholic.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Rehearsals were so trying, what with her showing up drunk all the time.
She does sober up for opening night, though, darling, so fear you not.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
It really is a terrible disease.
I suppose that's what makes her steal.
What?
Oh, yes: Millicent is an absolute kleptomaniac.
She takes just about anything that's not nailed to the floor.
But other than that
- and the incontinence -
she's an absolute dear.
But Philip, what's wrong?
Was it something I said?
You aren't having second thoughts are you, darling?
Oh, I would just HATE myself if you were, with my nasty gossip.
You haven't signed anything with her yet, have you?
No?
Yes.
Yes.
It's so important to get the RIGHT actor for the part, isn't it, dear Philip?
Now, what is this character's name?
Phoebe?
Yes.
And what is Phoebe like exactly?
Intelligent.
Well, of course.
Very intelligent.
I see.
Yes.
(Puts on glasses and fondles a nearby book.)
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Very interesting.
What else?
Sensuous?
I see.
So Phoebe is a sensuous creature...
(Begins fondling and stroking herself)
Yes...
MMMMM...
Yes...
Uh-huh...
I see.
Anything else?
Provocative?
(Spreads legs and starts sucking her thumb)
I see.
Yes.
Most intriguing.
Yes.
What's that, Philip?
Me?
Oh, but Philip, I couldn't possibly.
The role is far too young for me.
(Long pause)
Well, thank-you.
I am as fresh as spring-time.
You're too kind.
But what of Millicent?
Yes.
Yes, I guess you're right, Philip.
Perhaps now she could finally seek out the help she so desperately needs.
All right.
Yes my dear, let us go.
We shall take a taxi together to the party and on the way we can talk all about our new play.

Oh, love, love, love.

I think I would just die without love.

Don't you?





(Note: I wrote this monologue for my solo show "Starfuckers" a long time ago.  It wasn't in the original version.  I added it later, when I was performing it in Wellfleet, because I wanted to try out something new.  Just found it again now.  Thought it might be fun to share.  My friend Bobbie performed it, as well, as part of an ASP fund-raiser.  My friend Karen also performed it at an ART benefit awhile ago, along-side a short play by Christopher Durang.  John Guare was sitting next to me at the benefit, for some reason.  We had just met, and I was very nervous, because he is one of my heroes.  And when they announced that I had wrote it, he grabbed my hand and held it up for me.  Thank-you, John Guare!)