Saturday, October 16, 2010

Halloween Time

It's strange how Halloween has sort of morphed for me, over the years. 

When I was a kid, I LOVED Halloween.  Candy, candy, candy is an obsession of mine.

And I loved pretending to be someone else. 

And then later, of course, as a young gay man, Halloween is High Holidays and pure camp and an excuse to dress in drag and not get the shit kicked out of you.

But after awhile, the charm started to fade.

I just can't eat a bagful of candy anymore. 

I used to eat lard and ice cream all day and I never gained a pound, or felt sick. 

I was like a hummingbird.

Now, if I eat a donut, I immediately need to take a nap. 

Same with alcohol:  I get the hangover WHILE drinking.  What fun is that? 

And for actors, Halloween becomes sort of a bus man's holiday: getting into costumes is what we do at work, which is the last thing you want to be thinking about when you're going to a party. 

So, the novelty, sadly, wears off for us.

I also can't watch gory movies.  Scary, maybe.  But none of that "Saw", "Hostel" stuff.

If I wanted to be tortured, I'd listen to Sean Hannity.

I'm already pretty disturbed and anxious, anyway, so I don't really need any help in that area.

I feel terrified just watching the Food Network.  So...much...butter... 

I watched the preview for "the human centipede" by accident and I couldn't sleep for two days.


Have you heard of this movie?  It's about a deranged Doctor who kidnaps three people and surgically attaches them mouth to ass.

I guess we ingest so much shit figuratively during the day - Tea Party propaganda, Karl Rove's twitters, Jim DeMint's thoughts on gay teachers,  the complex workings of Sarah Palin's mind  -  that this was just the next logical step.

Meanwhile, my friend Doug actually saw The Human Centipede in its entirety, at a theater with a friend and they just laughed and laughed. 

Because they knew, after all, that it's all just a movie.

It's not real.

But me, I keep thinking: who the hell thought this up?

And where are they right now?

I'm going to go lock my windows...

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