Hi! I’m Seamus, Mitt Romney’s Irish Setter.
As many of you may have heard, Mitt once strapped me to the top of the family station wagon during a 12-hour car trip from Boston to Canada.
I must admit, that trip was “ruff”. Ha ha. Sorry, couldn’t resist.
Anyway, this incident has outraged everyone from extremist activists at PETA to just normal everyday citizens who are like “What? He did WHAT? He strapped a DOG to the top of this CAR? Is he OUT OF HIS freaking MIND?”
Now, I know what you're all thinking: Couldn't he have just put me in a kennel? Or paid for a dog sitter? Hell, he could have BOUGHT a kennel, a personal trainer and then flown me to Canada first-class while Cesar Millan whispered sweet nothings in my ear.
Well, I have come back from doggy heaven to say: “Calm down, people”.
Mitt is a pragmatist. If he can spare a few bucks gutting businesses, firing people, employing illegal immigrants to cut his grass (while complaining about illegal immigrants simultaneously - touche!) and strapping animals to moving vehicles, then by gum he's gonna do it!
I enjoyed the trip, for the most part.
I got a lot of fresh air. I mean, a LOT.
You know how we dogs love to stick our heads out the window of a car? Well, this was like that, times 20!
Mitt also designed a make-shift windshield for my trip. If he can whip up something like that on the spot, just think how deftly he’ll manage our national infrastructure. I know who I’m voting for!
And when I had that bout of terror-induced diarrhea that began to drip down thru the windows, Mitt really showed his crisis management skills:
He pulled over to a gas station, got a hose, sprayed me and the car down, and then we were back on track, lick-ety split!
I guarantee Mitt will handle a crisis over Iran’s nuclear capabilities in the same way: strap ‘em down and give em’ the hose!
So please: consider voting for my former master. He may seem cruel and heartless, but isn’t that what you’re really looking for in a candidate?
If not, you might get your worst nightmare in the White House:
A CAT LOVER!