Green with Envy #1

There's an episode of The Simpsons where Selma is getting married to yet another ill-fated suitor, and emerges from the church in her wedding gown.

She turns to her grouchy twin Patty and demands: "Just tell me what you know I want to hear."

To which Patty sighs, drags on her cig, and responds: "All right: I'm dying of jealousy."

To which a teary Selma replies: "Thank you."

In that spirit, here is the first of what I'm sure will be a long series of invocations to people that just have a WAY better life than me.

Some people are just lucky.

Or talented.

Or charmed.

Or good-looking.

Or smart.

Or wealthy.

Or have great careers.

But it takes a really special combo to make me envious: that unique person who I just want to BE.

And coming in at #1 is:

Zach Braff.

Which seems strange, even to me, as I knew next to NOTHING about Zach Braff until this morning, when I read a little puff piece about him in the Times for this up-coming Off-Broadway play Trust, in which he's performing.

I have never even seen an episode of Scrubs, which I know might seem REALLY strange, as it's been around so long.

Not that I wouldn't have liked it, probably, it just never seemed to be urgent viewing, the way I feel about, say, Mad Men or True Blood.

It always sort of struck me as too much like Ally McBeal.

Only set in a hospital.

With a guy.

Then again, I have only seen ONE episode of Seinfeld.

Ever.

And I saw the show twice. It was just the same episode. What are the odds?

(In case you're wondering which one: it was the one where they all have the masturbation race.)

Anyway, back to Braff.

I saw his movie Garden State when it came out, though I don't remember a thing about it.

But I remember it didn't suck.

And really, the guy is just charmed. He even admits to it in the The Times, pretty much.

And I'm not saying he didn't work hard to get there: I'm sure he did.

Nine years of Scrubs couldn't have been all pinwheels and cream pies.

But he's made his money (doing something that was probably pretty fun) and now he can do whatever he wants.

It didn't seem to get to his head.

He's not controlled by anyone, it seems.

He's modest and likable and funny.

He's not some scary, driven ambitious Hollywood actor.

He's not in rehab.

He's good-looking in a non-threatening fashion.

And he's five years younger than me. OK, six.

I am assuming a LOT here, but until proven otherwise, here's to you, Zach Braff:

I want to BE YOU.

Up next: Annie Baker.