Fifty Shades of Dr. Seuss

(Lights up on Ana sitting in a whimsical armchair.  She is typing on an old-fashioned, whimsical type-writer.  Mr. Gray, in an equally whimsical hat, pops up behind her.)

Mr. Gray: 

I am Gray. 

(He disappears and pops up again on the other side) 

Gray, I say.

(He disappears again)

Ana: 

That Mr. Gray.  That Mr. Gray. 

I sort of like that Mr. Gray…

Mr. Gray: 

(Appearing again somewhere else)

I’d like us to date, don’t think I’m a jerk,

But first you must fill out some paper work.

Then we’ll have sex, what is your reply?

I’m not a hearts and flowers kind of guy…

Ana: 

I guess it’s ok, though lacking in form:

This seems like gratuitous Mommy porn.

(She signs the document, then...)

Mr. Gray: 

Would you like a little spank? 

Tell me, Tell me: please be frank.

Ana: 

I wouldn’t mind a little spank. 

And my name is Ana, it isn’t “Frank”.

Mr. Gray: 

Would you like it on your bum? 

Would you like your bum all numb?

Ana: 

Oh yes Oh yes, I would I say! 

Yes, I tell you, Mr. Gray!

Mr. Gray: 

Would you like your nipples clamped? 

In my dungeon, cold and damp?

Ana: 

If I said “No” I’d be mistook:

I’d sell no copies of this book!

Yes I’d like it on my bum,

do it while I suck my thumb!

Mr. Gray: 

(while spanking Ana)

Oh , the places you’ll go!

Oh the things you will see!

Just sign this pre-nup

And you’ll belong only to me!

(a long document scrolls out onto the floor.

He produces a huge, plumed fountain pen)

I’ll tease you with tozzlers and snuzz you with snoozlers.

I’ll even attempt to ba-bing your bamboozler!

I’ll twizzle your foozle and bang your shin-doodle

And then we can try that thing with the poodle!

Ana:

Oh Mr. Gray, what can I say?

All the other single men are either married or gay.

I’ll sign you your pre-nup, fast as can be

And oh all the kinky things I will see!

(Signing the document)

I’ll drood on your kuzzle , And wamp on your curd

And remember that “Twoozle!” will be our “safe word”

I’ll sneed on your snoozle, And kirk on your bloor

And we’ll spill lots of flizzle, All over your floor!

Mr. Gray: 

(After an inscrutable pause)

But alas my dear Ana, I cannot commit

In spite of your willingness to submit

I’m leaving you now, I will not come back

Ana: 

Oh say it’s not so, oh alas and alack!

Mr.Gray: 

And yet as I go, I feel such regret.

I will always remember this day that we met.

(He vanishes)

Ana: 

Someday, Mr Gray, you and I will be equals.

(She sits down at her typewriter again)

But not til I write 6 or 7 more sequels...

(She resumes writing.  Fade to gray.)