Saturday, June 30, 2012

Girls on Film

After the Guthrie Theatre announced it's dickfest of a season next year - tentatively titled "Penis under the Proscenium", it was nice to be watching a lot of films lately from a female point of view!

First, we saw "Brave", which is a documentary about the early life of British journalist Rebekah Brooks. 

Long before she began working for Rupert Murdoch and illegally hacking the cell phones of murder victims, Rebekah lived in a magical world of warriors and will o' the wisps.  She still retained her lovely, flowing red hair and strident independence thru many trials and tribulations. 

Lesson #1: if someone even mildly disagrees with you, poison them and turn them into a grizzly.
The person you disagree with is your mother?  meh.
Clearly, Rebekah had a sticky moral code right from the start!

All the men in "Brave" are loud, ugly, obnoxious morons, so if that wasn't a great training ground for working in tabloid journalism, I don't know what it is!

Rebekah: if you're reading this (and I'm sure you are) we are all so proud.  Don't listen to those people shouting about morals and corruption.   You are brave.  Go out and conqueor the world!  Why should the men get to break all the laws and get away with it? 

Next was "Snow White and the Huntsmen", which was a parable on the evils of homosexuality.  Charleze Theron plays an icy lesbian who marries Kristen Stewarts father - who also happens to be king - and then totally kills him by stabbing him with a sword, which is kind of like an extra long penis, only more deadly and difficult to manage.  Then she goes around picking up local gals and sucking their life force out of them by kissing the air around them really hard.  Then she takes a bath in white paint.  Really, she is just crazy as a loon!

Meanwhile, poor Kirsten Stewart is locked up in a dark dungeon with no one to keep her company except her lack of talent.  Luckily, she escapes and before long has two guys falling all over her, just like in those "Twilight" movies.  Kristen falls on a patch of enchanted mushrooms in the dark forest and gets totally high on their spores.  Which, for me, is just another example of the evils of gay bars, with all those nasty drag queens and their poppers and what have you.

Kristin Stewart's main love interest is Chris Hemsworth, who looks like a side of beef trying to work out a math problem.  They need to run around and protect the Kingdom from gay marriage and rainbow cookies, and whatever else Charleze has up her pooched sleeve. 

Meanwhile, Charleze dances around and around with a bunch of crows.

Luckily, straightness wins out in the end!  Kristin and Charleze have this battle royale and Charleze makes the same mistake that EVERY effete, gay James Bond villian makes (and they were ALL effete and gay): she waits too long to kill Kristin Stewart, she just has to get some snarky, bitchy little quip in first.  It's the down fall of most gays: we can't resist an opportunity to be witty.  Nor can we resist mirrors that tell us we look great.  Charleze's mirror actually has this golden man pour out of it, like some liquid Liberace.  How gay can you get?

Finally, we watched "We Need To Talk About Kevin", which stars Tilda Swinton as a mother with a sociopath for a son.  Really, if any mother is going to have a sociopath for a child, it's Tilda Swinton, poor thing.  Tilda just looks bleak and tired though this whole ordeal, like a dazed greyhound.  Just when you think she's going to get a break, someone slaps her or throws her pet gerbil down the garbage disposal. 

The whole film was sort of a rip off of "The Bad Seed", only without the camp factor.  The weapon of choice this time around is bow and arrow.  I personally much perferred how that little cunt Rhoda got rid of her victims in "The Bad Seed": she just beat them to death with her shoe.  Now that takes moxie.  AND she gets away with it!  Which is much more true to life.  Hopefully, she is grown up enough now to take Rebekah Brooks' place at News of the World.  She would fit in just great!

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