Monday, September 5, 2011
Assholes of America
My name is Jerry B.
And I'm an asshole.
I'm that guy who just stole your parking space.
I'm the dude talking loudly on his cellphone in the crowded subway car during rush hour.
I'm the gent in the "8 items or less" aisle with 47 items.
4 out of 10 Americans are complete assholes, and our numbers are growing everyday.
We are your neighbors, your co-workers, your friends.
But assholes need your help.
(Sarah McLaughlin song begins to play softly in background)
That's why there's Assholes of America.
Assholes of America is a grassroots organization dedicated to the protection and preservation of the American Asshole.
For just 5 dollars a day - the price of a latte - you can help an asshole like Linda.
(Picture of Linda, wearing a "Michele Bachmann for President" T-shirt)
5 dollars will help Linda buy that handbag that she can rest on the only empty seat on the bus.
(Picture of Tim. He's a total douche.)
Your donation will help Tim fill the tank of his SUV a quarter of an inch; just enough fuel for him to tailgate you dangerously before passing in the breakdown lane while honking his horn needlessly.
And how about Joanne?
(Picture of Joanne. She's a real C U Next Tuesday.)
Your generous donation will help Joanne attend Tea Party Rallies, maintain her snarky blog and audition for "The Bachelor".
Donate today, and we'll send you this "Go Fuck Yourself" tote bag, absolutely free.
So please: send your generous, non-tax deductible donation right now.
The Assholes of America won't thank you. But what did you expect?